Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Looking back over the years...

Sometime during the 5 years prior to my father's passing....
Telling me that I exist, because he "talked your mother out of terminating the pregnancy."
His confession, that the 22 cal. handgun purchased back in 1959, was for his plan of murder/suicide of our family.
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My brother had been told  by our father, that Dad when visiting a Meacham elderly resident, in the Humboldt hospital on his death bed -  confession was given for the murder of your brother. (my Uncle) (Frederick Clarence Titman)

We can never know the emotions experienced by those in our family over their lifetime. Hurt, grief, anger, rejection, and more...., all the human emotions that are available. People live to experience them all. Many never tell, perhaps due to medical circumstances, or just thinking it best not to tell. Think before you judge and choose to remember only the bad, that has upset and affected your life. They were not all bad, they carried grief too, and with the lens of alcohol, everything is magnified. Not until very late in his life did Dad know what happened to his brother, who Grandma Susan said had been his role model.
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My Uncle Bud, (Eldon Johnson, Norquay) while visiting a few days with my mother, told me in tears one day; "Us old people know how to take care of things when nobody wants us anymore. All we do is take a handful of aspirin on an empty stomach, it eats through the stomach lining and bleed to death and just go to sleep. No one will ever know. Us old people do it all the time."
This was in late summer, in early spring before all snow was gone, his funeral service.
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The Christmas of 1971, I made a trip from Vancouver back to Saskatchewan, picked up Mom and headed for Norquay. went over late one evening to Auntie Gaye's. Auntie spent nearly two hours sitting outside in the car talking about her abusive marriage. Wondering about the stigma of divorce, and could she leave.  Spring of 1972, another trip to Norquay for her funeral service. Was it suicide? When Ludwig was confronted with her leaving, maybe not. She told of the endless days of hard work feeding livestock, carrying pails of feed till her arms ached.  The behaviour lives on in the Perepeluk family with his nephew.

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